I was a victim of circumstances (until I've decided to change)

Have you ever felt like everything and everyone was conspiring against you? That you couldn’t reach your goals because someone or something always got in the way? Bad luck, other people’s scheming, life’s injustices. And perhaps you’ve even thought about how easier everything is for others?

Well, if so, you’re trapped. You unintentionally see yourself as a victim of circumstances. This is a dangerous trap because you don’t even realize you’ve fallen into it. Admit it, it feels good to dive into self-pity. To tell your friends and colleagues that you did everything you could, still the project still failed, the exam didn’t go well, and so on. But these stories don’t just convince others of your helplessness, they reinforce that feeling within yourself, pulling you back into the trap again and again.

I’ll be honest: I haven’t read studies on this topic, so I don’t know if this phenomenon is more common among women. I suspect it can affect anyone. In fact, if I had to guess, I’d say that in Hungary, a significant portion of people believe their misfortunes are caused by someone or something else.

Maybe you’re wondering, if I haven’t read scientific papers about it, what do I base all of this on? The answer is simple: my own experiences. I’ve fallen into this trap twice: once in sports and once in my professional life.

As a teenager, I practiced karate for many years. At the end of training sessions, we had sparring matches, and I often faced bigger, stronger opponents. Honestly, I was scared, the punches hurt, and I usually lost. One day, my father watched me train and later asked, “Why do you keep backing away?” I had no answer, but that question burned into my mind. It made me realize that by retreating, I wasn’t just physically withdrawing, I had mentally given up on the fight as well.

At the next training session, I decided to change. I stood my ground, and although I still lost, it felt different. As great fighters say, I “died standing, like a tree". It was an uplifting experience, and I think I earned the respect of my stronger peers. More importantly, I started seeing myself differently.

Professionally, I fell into the same trap as a newly appointed project leader for a Central European initiative. I found myself caught between the expectations of the client, my team, and senior management, working extreme hours while telling myself that the delays weren’t my fault, that I had done everything humanly possible. That the circumstances were to blame.

But of course, the problem wasn’t the circumstances, it was the way I've managed (or not managed) the expectations. No matter how hard we worked, even an army wouldn’t have been enough to meet the demands. The solution, once again, was recognizing the real issue. From that point on, all I had to do was communicate it, to tell the client and leadership that the entire project needed to be restructured. How we got everyone on board is an other story, but the key takeaway is that we changed the circumstances and escaped the trap.

I often think of these experiences when I hit rock bottom. They always remind me that it’s better to face challenges head-on than to run from them.

But enough reminiscing, back to our topic. I was lucky because a single question helped me realize my own responsibility. But what about those who don’t get such a wake-up call? How can someone break free from the victim mindset?

5 Steps (I Believe) Can Help You Escape the Trap

1. Recognize the Pattern

Take note of when and in what situations you feel like a victim of circumstances. This can help you identify recurring thoughts or behaviors. Ask yourself: “Was there really nothing I could have done?”

2. Start Small

You don’t need to make big changes all at once. Overcoming even a small challenge is a step forward. For example, if you feel like someone always interrupts you while you’re speaking, try calmly but firmly telling them that it bothers you.

3. Find Role Models

Draw inspiration from stories of people who have overcome difficult situations. This isn’t just motivating, it reminds you that you, too, can take control.

4. Take Responsibility

This might be the hardest step, but it’s also the most empowering. Once you recognize (and decide) that your life is shaped not by circumstances but by your own responses, you become stronger. You’ll know that whatever happens, you can handle it.

5.Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

If you feel like you can’t handle a situation alone, reach out to a professional, a friend, or a support group. Sometimes, just having someone listen to you can make all the difference. Or asking you one simple question.

I truly believe that everyone has the ability to change, even when circumstances are tough. It won’t be easy, but once you decide to take control, you’ll feel stronger and more confident.

Think of it as training. Every failure, every obstacle is another opportunity to grow stronger. And who knows? One day, your own story might inspire others.

The choice is yours: will you let circumstances shape you, or will you shape your circumstances?

How do you react when a situation feels too difficult? Do you retreat, or do you face it head-on?

#GapNoMore #MindsetShift #PersonalGrowth #TakeControl #NoMoreExcuses #BreakTheCycle