The Power of Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself Without Hurting Others

Assertive communication is a common training topic in the corporate world. I've attended several trainings where they taught how to communicate our own will while ensuring the other party isn't harmed in the situation. The methodology goes something like this: we express to the other party what we want, what we need, what we feel about a given situation, and what we expect from them to achieve our goal. When we aim to act assertively, we're essentially striving for a win-win situation where our own desires are fulfilled without the other person feeling coerced into doing something. It seems quite simple, right? In reality, I think most of us struggle even at the very beginning with articulating what we need. Approaching things objectively, not overpowering the other person or expressing our expectations out of anger, is difficult. Often, it's much easier simply not to speak and quietly stew, hoping the other person will figure out what we're thinking. Any human relationship is put to the test when we can't express, or properly communicate, what we want—and this is no different in the workplace.

Before we get into workplace examples, let me bring up an everyday situation, which I believe is a perfect practice ground: parenting. With young children, we constantly tell them what they shouldn't do. We forbid things in their best interest, simply to protect their physical and mental well-being. However, in my experience, when it comes to parenting, the opposite—that is, expressing what we expect the child to do—is rarely stated. I tried using non-negative words to guide my daughters, asking them to perform everyday tasks with clear, specific, and direct requests. "Don’t shout!" sounds much different than "Please speak a little more quietly!" "Don’t interrupt me!" but "Please wait until I finish and then it’s your turn." We want to achieve the same result, yet our words have a very different impact. At least that's what I've experienced.

So, when should we pull out assertive communication at the workplace? Essentially, any time we want to ensure our will is respected. Do we want a promotion? Are we in a conflict with a colleague? Do we need help with something? Are we seeking new challenges and tasks? These are all situations where we have our own goals, interests, and ambitions, and we want something. It's important to us, but it doesn't just depend on us—we also need to encourage cooperation and support from the other person. These situations can be big or small, but the technique is the same.

Let's look at a specific example: let's say we notice that a colleague often interrupts us and doesn't listen to what we have to say. The situation is obviously frustrating, as it prevents us from expressing ourselves in the meeting, from showing how much work we’ve put into a project, or simply from sharing our thoughts on the topic at hand. What can we do? If we’re experienced and have the tools of assertive communication, we can calmly let the person know that we'd like them to listen to us. Without anger, directly addressing the person, we can simply say that it bothers us that we can't finish what we want to say, and politely ask them to be a little more patient and listen until we're done. If we're not yet proficient enough to have this conversation on the spot, we can plan for a private discussion afterward, carefully preparing what we want from the other person. A few simple steps can easily prepare us for this conversation. Here’s what I suggest considering in advance:

1. Clearly express what we're feeling, what effect the other person's behavior is having on us, and do so objectively without personal attacks.

2. Make a concrete request—think carefully about what we expect from the other person (instead of "Don’t interrupt me in the meeting," say "Please don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking").

3. Prepare for potential reactions. What might they be? Cooperation, understanding, or rejection, attack, or denial? Be ready with a response in case of rejection.

4. Consider the other person’s perspective. It can help to find common ground if we take their viewpoint into account as well, not just our own.

5. Think about the outcome you want to achieve and aim for it during the conversation.

+1 tip: Practice! Whether with family, friends, or in the grocery shop, assertive communication, like anything else, can be learned! 🙂